Out of the mouths of babes

 I think many mothers would make the statement that they are often in awe of their children.  I mean if you look at it, the mere fact that they even exist is really a miracle, so it shouldn't be any surprise that the things they do when they arrive on earth are miraculous sometimes.  

What continues to catch me off guard, is how very perceptive both of my children are, despite my best effort to hide away all of the things I don't want them to see. Now don't worry, there's nothing particularly dramatic going on, but I do have a rather large juggling act going on most of the time, and it generally involves all major aspects of my life.  I most certainly want to be the mother that appears to have her act together, that can handle work and sports and Girl Scouts and remembering to buy groceries and all of the other things that go into the circus of life.  What I am realizing, is that I do hold things together pretty well, but that really the only person that cares about it, is me.  I'm also realizing that I am potentially focusing on the wrong things.

Last night, there was an ongoing conversation that lasted for approximately two hours, with my children rotating in and out of it.  I have to give them a lot of credit, because they hung in there with me, and they also were brave enough to make some very honest comments about the things I was trying to say. I have always hesitated sharing anything difficult with them, because my first instinct as a mother is to protect them. I know now that I have done them a disservice, and I need to remember that going forward.  Since their dad and I split up, he has always felt that it was important that we still appeared to be a united front. I don't disagree with the statement, but as they're getting older I have had the feeling that it would be okay for me to share with them when I had an opposing viewpoint as long as I wasn't disrespectful or rude. They need to start to gather all sides of all information, because they need to start making their own opinions about things in this world.

Our conversation ended last night with my daughter telling me, and my son agreeing with her, that I need to start paying more attention to myself. I don't feel like I have ever shared my self-care mantra to either of them, even though I have said it to students for years, but that little girl, who by the way is really not a little girl anymore, said to me "Mom if you don't start to take care of yourself and make plans for yourself, how will you ever be able to take care of us?"  I told her I didn't disagree with her, but that I felt that when you become a mother, your job first and foremost is to make sure that your children have what they need. She looked me straight in the eye and said "My needs are not more important than your needs." What the hell? Who is this kid?

So I need to figure this out. I need to figure out what I can manage, what makes me happy, and how to balance it all in the circus. I'm not sure it should feel this way, but I feel like everything just got a little more complicated. I also feel that I must be doing an okay job as a parent.

Well, if I had gone missing before...

I had disappeared something fierce this time.  Sorry about that.  Right after that last post my life turned upside down- in a good way, but upside down nonetheless.  I don't need to give a giant update, but I am now working for a small college in central Massachusetts, and it is the hardest job I have ever had. It has been somewhat rewarding, and I think I will be really good at it, but nothing is moving fast enough for me.  I will sort that out.  

There is a lot more to write about, but today I am beat.  Sleep needs to happen.  I will be back.

I have gone missing for a day or two

I think the annual post holiday, its my birthday, back into a routine gig brought upon the general malaise.  But I am back now, and raring to go.

Book update.  I am reading The Art of Racing in the Rain.  Jury is still out.  There have been a couple of sentiments presented in the book that I do love, but again...I am sensing the tragedy coming.  There is something melancholy about the writing.  I don't hate it, but man...I think I am going to have to read a comedy next.

I am also reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  It is part of an Oprah "Life Class" adventure I am on right now.   Lots of introspection, which is REALLY not my favorite, but its necessary right now. Along this same line, I am reading another book (yes, that is three so far) called 52 Ways to Lead a Kick Ass Life by Andrea Owen.  She writes like I think, which I always appreciate.

It is Girl Scout cookie time, which consumes a fair portion of time and energy.  I am currently sitting here, writing this, with my calendar and notebook mocking me, waiting for me to organize it.  Sigh.

Here is today's weird fact.  I was out driving today, and it was snowing, and raining and hailing and then all of a sudden FLASH...the brightest flash of lightning I think I have ever seen and KABOOM a crazy loud clap of thunder.  THUNDERSNOW.  I had heard of it, but never witnessed it.  I am still seeing spots.

Stay tuned.  There will be more about the books soon.

Book report time

I have finished all my half read young adult fiction books, so I am officially reading...nothing.  This is unusual for me.  And today is cloudy and sort of raw and the perfect day to curl up in bed with a book, but alas, as I was sick, the house apparently threw up on itself and I cannot stand looking at it.  Seriously, how do 4 people create such a mess?  

So while Avery is at the ballet with a friend, and Jack has a friend over (which I think might defeat the purpose of me cleaning...), I will try to whip this place back into shape.  And the good news is that I only work 1 1/2 days this coming week, and then I am off until January 6.  There will be some reading done at that time. 

The Art of Racing in the Rain is next on the list, as well as The Hobbit, which I am ashamed to admit I have never read.  

Next time we meet, I will contemplating my New Year's resolutions.  I think I will only make a couple, and hopefully they will stick.  

Christmas Eve 2013

This is going to be a long story.  So get a drink and go to the bathroom if you need to.   Also, there is some sensitive information in this post that kids under 12 probably shouldn’t read.  You will see what I mean, but clear your kids out of the room. 

Christmas had always been a hard time of year for me-I missed my parents, and I missed Auntie Glenna and Uncle Dave who really were the glue of the family, and it wasn’t really until I had my own kids that the magic of the holidays came back to me.  I loved that the kids got wrapped up in the Santa story, and I do enjoy spending the time to find things that everyone will really appreciate as gifts.   But I just knew this Christmas was going to be different.   

A little back story.  About two years ago, Avery asked me about Santa, and demanded the truth.  After much deliberation, I decided to tell her the whole story.  It was awful.  She was crying, I was crying, but I assured her that now she was part of the club, and we still got to keep the magic alive for Jack.  Perfect.  She was totally on board.  However, this year, Jack asked me about Santa.  (Side note, there is a whole other story that goes along with this about the challenges of co-parenting your children with your ex-husband, who happens to be Jewish, btw…but that’s for another day) I had sworn after the debacle with Avery, that I would keep up the ruse until Jack was at least 45, but Jack is a different kid than Avery and his brain operates in a very different way, so I decided (again after much deliberation) that if he wanted the truth, that I would give it to him.   Well, it went badly again.  He was upset, Avery was upset all over again, and when trying to generate Christmas spirit in the house, there was a lot of “well, what does it matter anyway, Mom?  There is no Santa”.  If you are a parent, you might be able to understand how it rips your heart out when your kids are disappointed. 

So here I am, trying to be Christmassy, and Jack is having none of it.  And Avery is mad at Jack because she sees I am upset.  Vicious circle, life is sometimes…anyway, my bestest girlfriend Jennifer found this letter on Pinterest (it’s been on Facebook too) about how to tell your kids about Santa.  To remind them about what the spirit of the holiday is about, and how Santa can teach you to believe in things that you cannot see…well I decided that I was going to use that letter and try and bring us all back together in one big happy Christmassy circle.

So here we are on Christmas Eve.  I am sick as a dog, my sister is recovering from rotator cuff surgery, my other sister is in town trying to help, and the kids are off the wall because its Christmas Eve and they have present tunnel vision.  Something set Jack off.  I can’t even remember what, but he was being pretty ungrateful, and VERY un-Christmassy.  So I got the letter, called Avery into Jack’s room and asked Jack to read the letter aloud.  It was a beautiful moment.  It really was.  I saw the light go on in Jack’s head…and then…Avery, with her knack for the sarcastic, says “So now will you stop being a crabby pants jerk and enjoy Christmas?”  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….I saw the whole thing go up in smoke in an instant, right before my very eyes.  Jack said something to the effect of “Avery, why do you have to ruin everything?” and ripped the letter in half.   Avery gasped.  I just stared at him with my mouth open.  Then I (smartly) just got up and walked out of the room.  No good was going to come of me trying to talk to him, or yell at him or cry in front of him.  So I walked away.  Right upstairs to my room.  And started to cry.  I could hear Avery sobbing in her room.  But I had to let everyone work this out themselves. 

About 10 minutes went by and they both came upstairs.  Both crying.  Jack apologized and handed me the letter which he had taped together with duct tape with moustaches on it.  We all had a group hug, and I have had to let it all go, but the times they are a changin’.  And I don’t love it.  I love who my kids are now, but it just seemed simpler when they were younger.  Now I am following them on Instagram, and Pinterest and following their friends to make sure nothing inappropriate is going on.  I am having conversations with them that I know for a fact my mom never had with me.  I love being their mom, more than anything, but it ran me over this year.

Whenever anything major like this happens, I let the excitement die down a little and then I try to review the event to see what I learned.  Here’s what I got out of it.

1.        Sometimes it is best to just walk away.

2.       I have really good, albeit, high strung kids (its genetic, they can’t help it)

3.       Its time for some changes of my own in 2014.  More on that later. 

I do not think I introduced Chicky Noel

Chicky "found" us on December 12th.  I follow the local shelters on Facebook, which is really a bad idea, and I saw a video of her and read her story.  Went to meet her after work, she jumped into my lap and the rest is history.  She is a sweetie.  Mostly just wants to snuggle and sleep on your head when you go to bed for the night. 

I knew after we put Elizah down in October that I would get another cat, but I also knew I wasn't really going to have to seek one out...one would appear in one way or another.  And she did.

Isn't she a love?

Chicky exploring at the vet's office

Ok, this one is just funny.

random winter photo...

On occasion, I "wander" through my photos on my phone, and find things I forgot about.  Like this.  Early morning frost on the window of my car.  I ran it through Instagram, and it looked like 50 different things depending on the filter I put on it.  This is with no filter, and I think it is perfect.