I think many mothers would make the statement that they are often in awe of their children. I mean if you look at it, the mere fact that they even exist is really a miracle, so it shouldn't be any surprise that the things they do when they arrive on earth are miraculous sometimes.
What continues to catch me off guard, is how very perceptive both of my children are, despite my best effort to hide away all of the things I don't want them to see. Now don't worry, there's nothing particularly dramatic going on, but I do have a rather large juggling act going on most of the time, and it generally involves all major aspects of my life. I most certainly want to be the mother that appears to have her act together, that can handle work and sports and Girl Scouts and remembering to buy groceries and all of the other things that go into the circus of life. What I am realizing, is that I do hold things together pretty well, but that really the only person that cares about it, is me. I'm also realizing that I am potentially focusing on the wrong things.
Last night, there was an ongoing conversation that lasted for approximately two hours, with my children rotating in and out of it. I have to give them a lot of credit, because they hung in there with me, and they also were brave enough to make some very honest comments about the things I was trying to say. I have always hesitated sharing anything difficult with them, because my first instinct as a mother is to protect them. I know now that I have done them a disservice, and I need to remember that going forward. Since their dad and I split up, he has always felt that it was important that we still appeared to be a united front. I don't disagree with the statement, but as they're getting older I have had the feeling that it would be okay for me to share with them when I had an opposing viewpoint as long as I wasn't disrespectful or rude. They need to start to gather all sides of all information, because they need to start making their own opinions about things in this world.
Our conversation ended last night with my daughter telling me, and my son agreeing with her, that I need to start paying more attention to myself. I don't feel like I have ever shared my self-care mantra to either of them, even though I have said it to students for years, but that little girl, who by the way is really not a little girl anymore, said to me "Mom if you don't start to take care of yourself and make plans for yourself, how will you ever be able to take care of us?" I told her I didn't disagree with her, but that I felt that when you become a mother, your job first and foremost is to make sure that your children have what they need. She looked me straight in the eye and said "My needs are not more important than your needs." What the hell? Who is this kid?
So I need to figure this out. I need to figure out what I can manage, what makes me happy, and how to balance it all in the circus. I'm not sure it should feel this way, but I feel like everything just got a little more complicated. I also feel that I must be doing an okay job as a parent.
