Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone

(Note: I have gone back and read this and it is extremely choppy.  My apologies)

I can't get past myself.  I am even sitting here, trying to write this post, filtering myself as I go along because I am not sure how much I am willing to admit to myself (and to my handful of readers) about why I am at such a standstill. 

It cannot just be because I am a little lonely right now.  It just can't.  I will be the first to admit that I have put some walls up because I have just made so many bad decisions in the love department that the only 2 people that I love with every ounce of my heart are my kids, and even that is a scary proposition to me.  I let those walls down semi-recently and the results hurt like a bitch.  Again.  So back up they went.  I just don't know that I can do it again.  But I am also not sure I can sit here alone forever.  But I also have no interest in settling.  NONE.  So where is the answer? 

I do have these little tiny moments of perfection in my life.  Ironically, I am listening to Spotify right now and the song playing is Rush's "Time Stand Still".  Freeze this moment a little bit longer... when something is so happy or funny or beautiful that you wish you could hold on to it for just a second more.  I have those.  But I don't think they are the answer. 

A friend recently asked me "Well what would you change?"  And another friend suggested that "I only worry about what I can control".  Sadly, most of the things I would change are things I can't control right now.  Jack and I saw someone get arrested today.  Two streets away.  Is that what I want Jack to see?  No.  Will he if we stay where we are?  Likely, although admittedly, this was the first arrest we saw in 2 and a half years.  I can't move on (literally) because of the mess that I left.   My schedule, between 2 kids and 2 jobs (and let's face it, 2 ex husbands) isn't easy to spin.  I am rigid, and controlling, and desperate for approval.  I've heard that most men find that super hot.  It just how I needed to be for the past couple of years.   To show myself that I could do it this way.

So.  Where do I go now?  Beats the hell out of me.  I know I am blessed.  I have glorious children, good friends and good family.  2 good jobs.  A roof over my head that I don't get kicked out from under even when I am late with rent.  I wonder why it appears to not be enough.

I am a couple days late with this post

But a word about Valentine's Day, please.  My usual word is loathe.  But this Valentine's Day was different.  I got a direct view of exactly what the "holiday" should be about-love and happiness. 

I volunteer once a month through the Springfield School Volunteer Program.  I am fortunate enough to work for a company that not only sponsors one of its programs, but encourages its employees to participate in it.  So once a month, I drive to the Brunton School and I read to the most adorable group of 6 year olds ever.  February 14 was the day this month, and it also happened to be the last day of the program for this school year.  I got to the classroom and it was like Valentine's Day had thrown up in there.  Remember how it was in grade school?  Hearts everywhere, bags on everyone's desk to collect cards?  Cake and candy and loads of sugary goodness?  Well this is what I saw. 

I also saw 25 smiling faces looking up at me.  "Miss Griswold!  Miss Griswold!  Last time you were here you promised to read us THREE books!  Do you remember?"  Of course I remembered.  This is one of my favorite things to do each month.  So I read 3 books, one of which was about a grumpy bunny and how he didn't like Valentine's Day.  Turns out, by the end of the book, the bunny was converted. And so was I. 

When I finished reading I said to the kids that it had been my pleasure to come there every month to read to them, and made them promise to listen to their teacher and learn a lot so they would have a really good time next year in first grade.  They all promised.  And then their teacher said "We got you a little something.  For Valentine's Day."  I can't lie.  I got a little teary.  The kids were so excited to have me open the present-a couple bags of chocolate-that I realized what the day should be about.  Being excited, and happy and wanting to make someone else happy.  Should we strive to do this every day?  Sure.  Do we always remember to?  Nope.  So what is wrong with a little holiday to remind you to do so?  Not a single thing.

So to my little friends at the Brunton School.  You taught me some lessons on this Valentine's Day.  Smile.  Be excited.  Listen to those people that are trying to teach you things. Eat chocolate.  And don't forget to tell the people that you love that you love them. 

A note about Thursday

Within minutes of me posting about my love for Thursdays, my Thursday started to suck.  One of the worst days I have had in awhile.  I think it was a fluke, so I will still hold the day in high regard. 

Thursday

is my favorite day of the week.  Strange, I know.  Most people like Fridays or Saturdays, but I like Thursdays. 

Thursday is the first day during the week when I can stop and breathe for a minute.  Let me explain. 

Friday is ok.  I mean, its the end of the work week, but I am generally exhausted.  The kids and I  get a pizza and we watch Wipeout.  For those of you have seen more than one episode of Wipeout, you might understand why this might get old (I do love you John Anderson and John Hensen, however)(Good night, and big balls)(Ok, its a really funny show).  Saturday is errand day.  Cram in all the stuff you need to get done day-hair cuts, grocery shopping, pet store.  Sunday might be the day of rest for some, but I generally clean, do laundry, get everyone ready for the week, catch up on school work, maybe see a friend or two (this isn't a chore, obviously).  No rest for the weary (or wicked, depending on your point of view).  Monday is, well...Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday, I go to my full time day job and then I go to my (pretty close to full time) night job, and I am generally doing work for the night job during the day job (time management is something I am working on)  My students email me like crazy Monday through Wednesday.  I can't explain it.  Email traffic is for sure much higher on those days.  And then comes beautiful Thursday.  Thursday is the day I get my kids back, the day that doesn't seem to have so much pressure even though all the stuff I didn't finish on the other days is actually still there waiting for me.  Thursday I don't have to carry 42 bags to work with me to make sure I have everything I need for work (1), work (2), the gym, lunch, etc...I just carry my purse. 

So, Thursday I salute you.  I will take the breather wherever I can get it.  And even though today is actually a Thursday that I have to run an errand on my lunch hour (is Girl Scout cookie time OVER YET???), its not so bad.  The sun is out, its remarkably warm for February in New England, and I am breathing.  I will take it. 

Its Super Bowl Sunday!!

Don't worry.  I will not ramble on about the Giants and the Patriots.  I am a respectful Giants fan and I am a big believer in not talking smack-but if there were a thought bubble over my head it might say something like "I hope the Giants kick Patriot ass so all those obnoxious fans will shut the hell up".  I am sure they feel the same way about Giants fans.  ANYWAY.

One of my very favorite blogs is www.everywhereist.com .  Geraldine is a travel blogger, which just sounds delightful, doesn't it?  She gets to travel the world with her husband, who she actually likes (they are so cute I want to puke.  But in a good way), and she writes about it.  She did an interview for another blogger, Ms. Morphosis (see interview here: http://msmorphosis.com/interview_everywhereist) and one of the things they both mention is that blogging has helped them to identify themselves a little-the things they are writing on their blogs are real, and they lay it out there...the good, the bad and the ugly-I have been thinking a lot about that. 

I spend a lot of my life making sure that no one's feelings get hurt.  Not that I want to intentially go around and kick sand into anyone's face, but there are a lot of things that don't get said because I am afraid of the ramifications.  I don't want people to be mad at me.  I say I don't care, but truth be told, I think I care too much.  Someone I know who has read my blogs in the past said to me that one of the posts in this new blog was like reading my diary.  Maybe that's what it needs to be.

I won't kick dirt in people's faces here, but maybe what I will do is write how I feel.  Interesting concept, eh?  I know some people might come here to see pictures of the kids, and pictures of whatever garden I might attempt this summer, or see projects we are doing in the house, and there will be all that.  But I think it needs to be more.  The Everywhereist says that her blog is an open love letter to her husband-full of cuss words and cupcake references, because that's who she is.  That's who I am too.  Maybe this is my travel blog, because believe, you me.  This is one hell of a journey I am on right now. 

Oh and for all you Pats fans:

Suck it.  I hope the Giants roll all over you.  And if they don't, then I am happy to report that pitchers and catchers report in 2 weeks. 

Some of my very favorite pictures taken last year

 I take 99.5% of my pictures with my iPhone.  I always have it with me, and for a camera phone, it takes some spectacular pictures.  Here are some of my favorites.  This might be a long post.  

Narraganset, RI
August 2011

Sun over Narraganset, RI
August 2011

Memorial Bridge-West Springfield, MA
October 2011

Narraganset, RI
August 2011

Ave and Daisy Girl
October 2011

Jack-in action on the diamond
April 2011

Jack-Self Portrait
September 2011
(enhancements by Instagram)

Jack-Self Portrait-March 2011

Narraganset, RI
September 2011

Feet and Scarborough Beach
Narraganset, RI
September 2011

Jack-in action
June 2011

Flowers-Look Park Mini Golf Course
(really!)
August 2011

Avery-Forest Park Zoo
July 2011

Side garden in the hood
May 2011

Avery-Springfield Armor Game-March 2011
The blur in front of her is one of those annoying clapping
stick things.  I like the effect.

Avery & Jack
Our front porch-2011
I think it looks like an album cover

Hedgehog
Our front porch
May 2011

Baseball Hall of Fame Mascot Exhibit
Cooperstown, NY
July 2011

Me and baby Max
July 2011

Sky over the neighborhood
after the "hurricane" went through
August 2011

Daisy eye
I know its blurry, but how hilarious is it?
November 2011

Ave's birthday
(effects by Instagram)
November 2011

Christmas Tree
(don't know how I did it)
December 2011

Apple picking day
Echo Hill Orchards-Monson, MA
October 2011

So that's it.  Those are my favorites.  Hope you liked them. 

Words

It is always amazing to me how a few simple words can reduce me to nothing.  Or make me laugh.  Or make me want to love you forever.  They are powerful little things.

Yesterday, at work (which despite my outward appearance of confidence, is somewhere that lately I have felt very out of my comfort zone) someone, who has no idea how to do my job, commented on something that I wasn't able to coordinate.  I wanted to curl up and die.  Never mind the countless things I have been able to pull off-no one really notices those.  They notice the times you can't.

I spent the whole day being pissed off, and that was a whole day I wasted.  Although, it did make me work harder at the gym yesterday because I wanted to see if I could burn off the negative energy-so I guess that is a positive.

This isn't how I want to live my life.  And for the most part, this isn't how I would want anyone else to feel.  So I am going to try to work from a strengths based perspective from now on.  Focus on what the people around me have done that is good 90% of the time.  The times they screw up, well...let's just try to move on.

I am not perfect (sorry if I just ruined that picture in your head of me), so I know there will be days that this plan won't work.  But life is too short not to try.

Everything was sort of put into perspective at the very end of my night last night.  I wrote what I hope was an encouraging set of words to my best friend, and she replied with the words that make it all worthwhile.

"I love you."

So to all of you-I love you.  Have a great day.  You don't look fat.  Those pants make your ass look fantastic.  Its totally ok that you ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies for dinner.  (just don't do it everyday).  You are a good parent.  A good friend.  And if the other people in your life can't see that?  Screw them.

Things I heard along the way yesterday...

Most of the really funny things I heard come from my kids.  So do many of the most honest things.

Me: "I love you Jack.  You are my best guy"
Jack: "Um, Mom?  I am your only guy"
Ouch.
(of course he did very kindly offer to be my Valentine)(which means I buy my own Valentine gift)(maybe I will get an iPad)

My children had gotten into a big fight on Monday night and had vowed to not speak to each other for a month.  I waited yesterday morning until they had been happily chatting for 30 minutes or so and said "Oh!  I see you have decided to talk to each other".  They both very quickly rationalized why they were having a discussion.  "Well Mom, we were only talking about breakfast.  That's okay to talk about".

I am teaching 4 classes this semester-2 on campus and 2 online.  I took my on campus class to the library last night so they could get a little lesson on researching, and I invited my corresponding online class to come as well.  I don't usually meet my online students, but it was easy to identify them-they were all the ones I didn't recognize.  One of them was speaking with the reference librarian (I think, btw, I maybe should have been a librarian.  She and I got very excited about the same things that most people would find exceedingly dull) and thought she was the teacher. When she pointed me out, the student said "Oh I thought she was one of the students!  She looks so young!"  Nicest thing anyone said to me yesterday.  I think I shall give her an A.

Have a glorious day.

Right now...

The bane of my existence is the day to day routine.  More specifically, the day to day routine of my children.  There is a distinct challenge that faces divorced parents (well, I suppose more so if they are actually interested in  actually co-parenting their children-which fortunately, my ex husband and I are) because often, the routine is different from one house to another.  This results in the inevitable "well we don't have to do that at Dad's house" or "Dad said..." (I am sure he gets it to in reverse, but I don't see it)

We have talked them through it, written checklists, tried to explain the benefits to everyone involved if the routine is followed...and its not really getting us anywhere.  My children were just looking at me like an alien when I asked them to prep their lunches and school bags for tomorrow.  Like they had never heard of such a thing.  Avery asked me to write it all down for her, and that's when I lost it.  Because I had written it all down for her.  On the checklist.  That we created a few weeks ago.  And hung on the wall.  In plain sight.  Sigh.

I am aware that it doesn't help that I am a control freak.  I like my ducks in a row.  I like a plan.  I don't like to rush through the morning trying to remember everything we forgot to do the night before.  But I also think I am doing them a huge disservice doing everything for them, just to soothe my OCD about the situation.

So I guess I just keep flipping out.  Or rushing around.  Or make another damn checklist for myself that has a reminder to nag my kids.

Its a good thing they are cute.

Don't worry.  Those aren't their real noses.  I swear.
PS Jack is currently in the shower singing Aerosmith's Dream On at the top of his lungs.  I guess I will keep them.

So here's an update

Me.  Still doing entirely too much, but I somehow seem to manage.  Not always well, but I manage. 

Avery: 4th grade.  Scored 3rd highest in her grade in the MCAS testing so gets to participate in a gifted and talented program.  Extremely creative.  Goes through books like water.  Sassy mouthed (not sure where that comes from), very funny, remarkably kind. 

Jack:  2nd grade.   Very smart, but doesn't like to show his work.  He wonders what the point is as long as you have the answer (hmmm, did my children inherit all my negative traits?).  Extremely athletic.  Also goes through books like water. Sassy mouthed, very funny, remarkably kind. 

This is us:

(PS, if you are amazed by this picture, and want some just like it (with your own family of course...I mean we are cute and all, but...) you should contact my nephew and niece...www.novellaphotography.com.  They are geniuses.  And I am not just saying that because I am related.)

More to come as we go along.  Stay tuned.  Its always interesting. 

Welcome to the new blog!

So I have written blogs in the past, and I get really excited about them for awhile, and then my enthusiasm sort of slows, and then I go look at them and want to do it again.  So we are starting anew.  Me, with Jack and Ave as guest bloggers...and hopefully we can keep it all together. 

First, if you would like to go look at the old blogs, here are the links:
www.pdaj.blogspot.com
www.alwaysgreetyourvegetablesproperly.blogspot.com

They were fine blogs, but its time for a new start.  Who knows what you will find here.