Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone

(Note: I have gone back and read this and it is extremely choppy.  My apologies)

I can't get past myself.  I am even sitting here, trying to write this post, filtering myself as I go along because I am not sure how much I am willing to admit to myself (and to my handful of readers) about why I am at such a standstill. 

It cannot just be because I am a little lonely right now.  It just can't.  I will be the first to admit that I have put some walls up because I have just made so many bad decisions in the love department that the only 2 people that I love with every ounce of my heart are my kids, and even that is a scary proposition to me.  I let those walls down semi-recently and the results hurt like a bitch.  Again.  So back up they went.  I just don't know that I can do it again.  But I am also not sure I can sit here alone forever.  But I also have no interest in settling.  NONE.  So where is the answer? 

I do have these little tiny moments of perfection in my life.  Ironically, I am listening to Spotify right now and the song playing is Rush's "Time Stand Still".  Freeze this moment a little bit longer... when something is so happy or funny or beautiful that you wish you could hold on to it for just a second more.  I have those.  But I don't think they are the answer. 

A friend recently asked me "Well what would you change?"  And another friend suggested that "I only worry about what I can control".  Sadly, most of the things I would change are things I can't control right now.  Jack and I saw someone get arrested today.  Two streets away.  Is that what I want Jack to see?  No.  Will he if we stay where we are?  Likely, although admittedly, this was the first arrest we saw in 2 and a half years.  I can't move on (literally) because of the mess that I left.   My schedule, between 2 kids and 2 jobs (and let's face it, 2 ex husbands) isn't easy to spin.  I am rigid, and controlling, and desperate for approval.  I've heard that most men find that super hot.  It just how I needed to be for the past couple of years.   To show myself that I could do it this way.

So.  Where do I go now?  Beats the hell out of me.  I know I am blessed.  I have glorious children, good friends and good family.  2 good jobs.  A roof over my head that I don't get kicked out from under even when I am late with rent.  I wonder why it appears to not be enough.